Critical Mass can suck my dick. Once a month on a Friday night a group of people on bicycles ride through the streets in an attempt to bring cycling awareness to motorists. The idea of Critical Mass, as far as I can tell, is to disrupt motor vehicle traffic with bicycle traffic. Several methods are employed to ensure that a slow moving group of people on bicycles can annoy motorists: they occupy all lanes of traffic, cork lanes at stoplights:
(a way to stop cars from going through a green light so that bicycles can pass through a red one), they move very slowly, and they act like jack-offs. I can’t think of a better way to spread goodwill through cycling than to make a really confrontational and obnoxious statement on a Friday night. Critical Mass can suck my dick.
“One Less Car” stickers can suck my dick. More like: “One Less Car At The Bar.” Take your bike to work every day or shut the fuck up about people driving. Just because you ride your stupid-fucking-color-coordinated-rolling-fashion-statement-dress-up-doll-dumpster-fixie to the bars at night doesn’t make you progressive. People drive cars. I know you just got your Fisher Price My First Fixie and you feel really radass on the street in traffic, and you heard that messengers in New York and San Francisco totally don’t give a shit about cars, and they’re all “fuck the man” an’ shit, but you look like a fucking idiot enough already without antagonizing motorists, AND chances are if you live in Houston and you participate in Critical Mass that you drive a car on a regular basis.
Mayor Bill White can suck my dick. That geriatric asshole has dubbed himself the “cyclist mayor”– or someone has, and it stuck for some reason. Why? I’m not sure, other than the fact that he makes a very public bicycle commute to work once annually complete with motrcycle, SUV, and helicopter police escorts.
He also was very public about his addition of “bike lanes” throughout the city. Just because there’s a white stripe following some arbitrary road with a picture of a little bike riding man inside of it DOESN’T make it a suitable bike lane. Especially when a large percentage of those “bike lanes” have two completely different road surfaces that are equally covered in debris within that narrowly striped-off section. Not to worry though, the average motorist totally understands why it’s more sensible to ride in a lane of traffic when there’s an alleged “designated bike lane.” ALSO, the municipal funding spigot for Alkek Velodrome was at a mere drip before it was completely shut off under– Guess who!!! Mayor Bill White. That’s right, your one and only “cyclist mayor” went ahead and cut public funds to a velodrome! There’s less than 25 velodromes in the U.S. (the fact that two of them are in Texas is another reason that all these non-track-racing-riser-bar-fixie trendsters are completely absurd to me) and that asshole pulled the plug on a damn fine one.
I ride a bike for leisure. I commute to work by bicycle every day. I ride a bike competitively for sport. I ride a bike to get where I need to go. I sell bikes for a living. I read about bikes. I work on my bikes, and I try to help with friends’ bikes. The only professional sports I follow are road racing and cyclocross. Bicycles are my daily life, and my biggest obsession. One of the very few things in this world that brings me joy is riding bicycles. Almost every day, some motorist honks their horn at me in anger, or yells at me, or comes close to hitting me… or does. It took a few years to get used to the average harassment. To learn how to pretend that those honking and yelling at me are cheering for me, and to wave at them like a friendly idiot. To learn how to say polite things politely such as “thank you” and “excuse me” when motorists make dangerous moves around me and my bike. And to learn that it is my duty to be an ambassador of cycling to the rest of the world. That is why it bothers me so much when a group of idiots who own bicycles decide to be really vocal about their right to the road, and their negative opinions concerning drivers, and take “direct action.” Well, that direct action directly affects me and other cyclists. It may sound contradictory of me to be so exclusive of the current “scene” of bicycle ownership. But as far as I’m concerned it’s just that– a scene, and like in a play or a movie, it will eventually be over, and onto the next.
It's Not Funny Anymore. 
