The Best Movie I’ve Seen All Year. (2nd of course to Slumdog)

March 9, 2009

I’m breaking my long silence to bring to you a review of the best movie so far in 2009: The Watchmen. Everybody should watch this movie or be rendered sterile, and in some cases both. It has everything, and it was totally mind-blowing… I hardly know where to begin except by first saying S-P-O-I-L-E-R A-L-E-R-T.

Here goes. There’s this group of superheroes that’s been around since, as best I can tell, WWII. The group’s leader, Dr. Manhattan, had some sort of radio-active-science-experiment-gone-tragically-wrong type of accident that causes him to use perfect grammar. It also allows him to teleport himself and others, make multiple copies of himself, see through time, and make things float. His wiener is out for like the whole movie, and he doesn’t use a single colloquialism.

This is how he appears in multiplicity:

Some other key characters are The Comedian, The Guy From Coldplay, Batman, a mother/daughter combo, and The Blank From Dick Tracy. Collectively they are the Forrest Gump of superheroes; they are present for all the major events of the 2oth century including the assassination of JFK. This movie takes place in the 1980s, but it’s a different 80’s than the one we know, it’s the 80’s of the future. In these 80’s Richard Nixon has been president for five terms, Dr. Blue Manhattan Group and The Comedian won the war in Vietnam, and things hover all over New York City.

The Guy From Coldplay is just how he is IRL. He’s smug, and uses his superhero status to advance his business while talking about saving resources and the environment.

The Blank From Dick Tracy is a real wild card of a character in this one as his faith in humanity and destiny dwindles, resulting in his wild-and-crazy-loose-cannon antics. His skills (or her skills… as The Blank turned out to be a chick in Dick Tracy) involve sudden acts of brutal and awesome violence, breaking and entering, and parkour. I was really impressed by his Jet Li level parkour abilities, but I was most impressed by the gruesome violence exacted upon bad guys.

Batman moved to New York City at some point and converted an old subway tunnel into his urban bat cave. He’s a lot less rich and confident in The Watchmen than usual. He’s also more emotional and less stoic than the Batmans I’m used to seeing. He’s crushing hard on Dr. Blue Manhattan Group’s girlfriend who is the daughter in the mother/daughter combo. The batmobile in the 1980’s of the future is a giant hoverjet version of wall-e’s head with some badass guns and flamethrowers and shit.

The mother/daughter combo is exactly that. The mom used to be a superhero a long time ago and she’s all old in the 80’s and so her daughter turns into one. They have some sort of conflict ’cause the mom is a drunk.

The Comedian isn’t funny at all. He didn’t even tell a single joke. He tries to rape the mother, and I heard that new for 2009 rape is funny, but it just wasn’t a very good joke. Then he knocks up some Vietnamese girl when he’s winning the war and he kills her and blames it on Dr. Blue Manhattan Group. The Comedian gets killed in the early minutes of the movie by some secret supervillain. Also, The Comedian is the one who invented the smiley face… the yellow button kind, not the emoticon.

So anyways, in The Watchmen the other superheroes are worried that there’s some kind of maniac supervillain that’s killing “masks.” So, The Blank From Dick Tracy is on a mission to find out who it is. He goes to see Dr. Blue Manhattan Group, but he’s too busy fixing things without touching them to help. So he breaks into Batman’s house, but Batman is kind of a pussy at first about helping out. There’s some really old supervillain that he tries to intimidate and then he gets framed for murder. Batman and The Daughter totally hook up and fuck the wall-e batmobile, and since this movie takes place in the 80’s, there’s tits in it. Then they break into a maximum security prison to rescue The Blank From Dick Tracy; it’s really badass. When they finally get him out they break into The Guy From Coldplay’s office and find out that he is the main bad guy. Big fucking surprise. He doesn’t actually care about the environment or free trade or stopping nuclear war, in fact he’s got his finger on the button all along, and presses it, and frames Dr. Blue Manhattan Group for exploding New York City while Dr. Blue Manhattan Group is doing naked yoga meditations and clock building on Mars. So Batman and The Blank From Dick Tracy break into The Guy From Coldplay’s mega bad guy lair in Antarctica, and they take a crack at him. Although The Blank From Dick Tracy’s attempts are more futile than Batman’s, I can tell that he hates The Guy From Coldplay for the same reasons we all do: he’s smug, and kinda faggy, and he wants atention for things he obviously doesn’t actually care about. The Guy From Coldplay explains how he killed The Comedian and his plan to nuke everything, but then he clarifies that he’s “not some comic book villain” and that he wouldn’t have explained that stuff if there was something they could do about it. I’m told that The Watchmen actually is a comic book, or “graphic novel” if you want to be a fag about it, so that’s exactly what he is. Comic book, graphic novel, what’s the difference… I don’t read funny books, or books at all. Anyways, Dr. Blue Manhattan Group totally shows up with The Daughter and pw3n5 the shit outta The Guy From Coldplay and then he kills The Blank From Dick Tracy and Batman cries.

Seriously, you have to see this movie. I’m going to see it again tonight.


One Response to “The Best Movie I’ve Seen All Year. (2nd of course to Slumdog)”

  1. If It's Not Funny Anymore... Says:

    I completely forgot to mention that the Jonas Brothers were in same showing of The Watchmen as me. That’s right… the Jo Bros. With all eight of their well disguised bodyguard pretending to be Texans.

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